Song that I found inspirational

I really liked this song by Sara Groves and wanted to share the lyrics. I heard it on my way home from work one day.

--Tracy--

Lord I have a heavy burden of all I’ve seen and know
It’s more than I can handle
But your word is burning like a fire shut up in my bones
and I can’t let it go
And when I’m weary and overwrought
with so many battles left unfought

I think of Paul and Silas in the prison yard
I hear their song of freedom rising to the stars
And when the Saints go marching in
I want to be one of them
Lord it’s all that I can’t carry and cannot leave behind it all can overwhelm me
but I think of all who’ve gone before them and lived the faithful life
their courage compels me
And when I’m weary and overwrought
with so many battles left unfought

I think of Paul and Silas in the prison yard
I hear their song of freedom rising to the stars
I see the shepherd Moses in the Pharaohs court
I hear his call for freedom for the people of the Lord
And when the Saints go marching in
I want to be one of themAnd when the Saints go marching in
I want to be one of them

I see the long quiet walk along the Underground Railroad
I see the slave awakening to the value of her soul
I see the young missionary at the angry spearI see his family returning with no trace of fear
I see the long hard shadows of Calcutta nights
I see the sisters standing by the dying mans side
I see the young girl huddled on the brothel floor
I see the man with a passion come and kicking down that door
I see the man of sorrow and his long troubled road
I see the world on his shoulders and my easy load

And when the Saints go marching in
I want to be one of them
And when the Saints go marching in
I want to be one of them
I want to be one of them
I want to be one of them
I want to be one of them

Happy Halloween!

Hey all!

I added two posts tonight. This is the first and is a regular update on life with the PJ family. The second is below and is a bit more theological, check it out if you like!

In adoption news:

We are officially waiting for baby #2. The dos was submitted two weeks ago this coming Friday and everything is in order. We hope to hear something by the end of May, but you never know with adoption. I appreciated the variety of responses related to the last post--several folks who already knew what the "Big News" was thought we were telling the world we had a travel date (this included my MOM, Suzy, and Amanda...be assured I would NEVER let you find out such big news online :) Prays are appreciated!

Halloween 2007:

Shahra was a cowgirl, thanks in part to Aunt Amanda and Uncle Derick's generous gift of a cow girl hat before we left MN. We also used a pair of boots my mom had for me when I was a kid as well as a Yellowstone belt my family bought for me in 1984. Shahra was a bit timid at first, but she got into it after a while. I was proud that Shahra was so polite. We would say "what do you say to the nice people" and she said "Thank you! Thank you!" Very cute! There were a ton of houses that DIDN'T have candy!!! Jeff and I couldn't remember a time when we saw so few kids out and about...especially when it was 50+ degrees (warm compared to the blizzard filled Halloweens we both remember as kids). On the 30th Shahra decorated a pumpkin and played with pumpkin guts. Very fun for a 2 year old. Sharha's daycare had a party and she supplied the class with Gold Fish crackers.

Family things:

My (Tracy) parents were up a week ago and enjoyed some time with Shahra. It was great to show them our place and catch up. My mom hadn't been up yet, so she got to see everything for the first time. This included the "nature" right outside our sliding glass door. We live within 20 feet of a bean field on the edge of town. They saw several chipmunks, a snake (ick) and a 2 foot long squirrel we named "Big Red" The thing is MASSIVE. It reminds me of the squirrels that lived near my apt on 11th street in Fremont NE (any college friends remember them??)

Work is still going well for us all and Shahra is still enjoying day care. However, I know the majority of you read this blog for the Shahra pictures. So, without further ado, here they are:

Some Theological Thoughts on Suffering

Hello Folks,

A fair warning:

The following post is Tracy's thoughts on the Theology of Suffering. I love hospice work, but one of the side effects is that you have all sorts of thoughts related to God, human suffering and the impact this all has on creation. If you're a seminary friend or someone who is especially interested in God's role in human suffering, read on!! Trying to figure out what we were supposed to learn in systematic theology? This is your place!! If you read this blog to see cute pics of Shahra and updates on adoption, you may want to stop:


Living in the Ashes

I welcome living in this time of lament.

As a chaplain, I feel we have the choice to minister to people in a distant, safe way, or we can join them in their despair. This doesn’t mean we take on their grief as our own or become consumed. I see it as entering the season of Lent. I don’t know how long I will live in this Season of Lament. I never liked living in the ashes before and dreaded Lent as a child. It felt like a punishment as I heard: “you are sinful and bad and this sin killed Jesus. You need to go to church twice a week and think about what you did. Lucky for you, God swooped in and resurrected Jesus. That was close. Now go eat some chocolate bunnies.”

Here in hospice, we reflect. We sit in the silence and allow the darkness to envelop us. Surviving this time is possible because we can always see the ray of light and hope in Christ—we know Easter is coming. It is impossible to have the resurrection without the cross; it is impossible to truly live if we are unwilling to look at death. In this season of lament, I simply join the person in their ashes, and envision pouring these ashes over myself as described in the Bible. All around me there is wailing, the cries of death and suffering. I wail with people. I cry out with and for them. I honor their grief as their own, not taking it as mine. It is in these places that I have begun to understand the meaning of the liturgical “flood prayer” spoken at baptism “we are children of a fallen humanity.” The world is utterly and completely broken due to human sin and separation from God. A woman with cancer is at hospice because her family can't care for her at home. They may lose that home. A 64 year old isn’t old enough to qualify for Medicare. Her husband has to make the choice of keeping his job to pay the mortgage or giving up his job to qualify for medical assistance. Our world is utterly shattered.

“The people in darkness have seen a great light. The light shines in the darkness and the darkness shall not overcome it.” Through the ashes, I see hope and the promise of a resurrected and restored world.

Living in a time of lament has utterly altered my view of the Trinity. God the Father used to be a distant God to me…think the God of Moses speaking to Charlton Hesston in the 10 Commandments. God was a booming, powerful voice that could be felt at a distance. You can never look at or truly see this God because He was so powerful and mighty, able to heal and cure but too big to wrap my mind around. In hospice, I finally get to see and feel the presence of God. God the Father completely saturates the room. His presence enters us and can be felt as death draws near. He is not a distant creator God in hospice, but His full being surrounds each person in their sorrow.

Before hospice, I knew Jesus as divinely human and I truly believed He walked with us in our sorrow. Certainly, he felt the pain of suffering and death, but I still felt it was as if He was patting us on the back, telling us it would all be ok. At times, this felt condescending, like Bill Clinton expressing “I feel your pain.” Now, I see Christ as a savior who submits Himself to the pain of the world. Christ is in the patient’s bed, crying out in pain, feeling death closing in around Him. Christ is with the widow, sitting helpless by the same bed, unsure of the future. Christ is with the confused young chaplain, angry that situations beyond our control lead to unquenchable suffering.

The Holy Spirit was a mystery. Perhaps the soul of a human? Perhaps “the church” as I was taught in Seminary? No, the Holy Spirit dwells in all of us and manifests through the thoughts, words and deeds of every person in the room. The Spirit is released into the room through the cries of the patient. The Spirit is revealed as God to the world through us. While still a mystery, God’s power, Christ’s presence and the Spirit’s hope for the world are released to carry on hope for the future.


In hospice, I feel comfortable, even blessed to sit in the ashes with others. We can not have resurrection without the cross. We can not have hope in the future without acknowledging the pain of the present. We can not have life without death.




**I send this out as a prayer that God will be with all those who suffer tonight. Our family who remembers the anniversary of Riley's death this week. At the same time, we thank God for the reconnection some of us have found as a result of her death. Thanking God that He said "wake up" and helped some of us remember our heritage. I pray for Baby *E* family who remember her death a year ago in Ethiopia. I lift up praises, that through her death, more people have learned of the struggles of Ethiopia and have chosen to give money to fund a new care center. I pray for baby *S* and her family who openly share their faith and obedience to God in the midst of suffering. I pray for our Luther friend *S* and his family as they face cancer. May God protect you, guide you and bring you peace. For all the hospice families who ask "why now" to a diagnosis. For the families who ask God "why have you waited so long" as they pray for death and peace. That the spirit may fill these people and all who suffer. That we may remember the ray of hope we find in the cross, knowing the resurrection is upon us.**

THE BIG NEWS....

We are happy to announce that we are adopting a baby! That's correct, Shahra is going to be a big sister. Once again, we are waiting with anticipation to welcome home an infant from Ethiopia. Over the past 2 months, we have been putting together paperwork and completing govt. documents in hopes of adopting a baby boy. We couldn't be more excited. Our families, friends, and work places have been very supportive.

We'll try to answer some of the questions you may have:

When does the baby come home:

We are waiting for a few final pieces of paperwork (our home study is being approved by Children's Home, and the dossier should be sent to Ethiopia by the end of Oct). If all goes well, we hope to be officially waiting by Nov. 1. After that, it will take 5-7 months to receive a referral. Then, 2-3 months later, we travel to Ethiopia to pick up our child. For those doing the math, that means we will probably travel late spring or during the summer of 2008.

How old will the baby be:

We are requesting an infant boy under 12 months of age at referral. This means the baby could be anywhere from 4 months to 15 months when we pick him up.

Why Ethiopia:

After the wonderful experience we had adopting Shahra, we can't imagine adopting anywhere else. We love Ethiopia--the country, the people, everything. There is a great need in Ethiopia as well and we feel called by our faith to answer this need.

Why does it take so long?

Compared to some countries and programs, Ethiopia is a relatively quick process (remind us of this in Feb when we've been waiting for several months and we're no longer this patient :) First, there are many families who want to adopt from Ethiopia. Some of the wait is simply "standing in line." The wait is also due to the fact that our adoption agency and the govt of Ethiopia want to ensure everything is in order. Everyone involved wants to be sure that the child placed for adoption was placed by choice (no one forced the birth parents to place the child). Also, the court system simply takes time to process all of the paperwork.

Why are there children available for adoption in Ethiopia?

Sadly, poverty, starvation and death lead to many orphaned children. 1 in 14 mothers die in childbirth. Many, if not most, people in Ethiopia don't have access to clean water. There is no "safety net" to ensure families are able to care for orphaned children. This is why we approach our adoption with a sense of reverence--our greatest joy is the result of another person's greatest loss. It is only because we live in an unfair, fallen world that children need to be adopted.

Once he arrives, what can you tell us about the baby's specific situation?

Out of respect to our child's story, we won't be sharing too much about the specifics that led to his adoption. We may say general things like "poverty and death are major problems in Ethiopia." However, we feel it is important to honor our child's privacy and share these details with him as he grows up.

Anything else we should know?

I'll keep you updated!! We thank you all for your love and support during this process. There will probably be long stretches of time when we don't have any news. When we do, we will let you know! As time goes on, feel free to ask us about the process. Do know however, waiting can get hard for us. It can be even harder if we receive too many questions about the wait. For example: as we waited for Shahra, Tracy actually had 5 people ask in a 10 minute time frame when we'd be traveling. It can get draining to tell people "I really don't know" We PROMISE to keep you updated. Pray for us, our family, our new baby and the baby's birth family as we enter this process.

There is a lot of special language related to adoption. We'll try to explain some terms so my future blogs make more sense:

Home study: a home study is a report made out by a social worker recommending us as adoptive parents. We expect our agency to sign off on this document in the next week or so.

Dossier: A document sent to Ethiopia (or ET as I may call it) telling govt officials about our desire to adopt. Basically, a lot of papers showing that we are able to care for a child.

Children's Home Society (CHS): Our adoption agency, or, the people who help us find our baby.

Referral: We receive information that a child is available!! This comes as a phone call from our Social worker and includes a packet of information about our child.

More info on Ethiopia and adoption:

Google is awesome, nuf said :)

Children's Home Society, our agency: http://www.chsfs.org/

Ethiopian Embassy website: http://www.ethiopianembassy.org/index.shtml

CIA Fact book: https://www.cia.gov/library/publications/the-world-factbook/geos/et.html

Finally, here is a link that shares "positive adoption language."

http://www.adopting.org/article5.html

Thank you all for your support and love. I'll update you as we get more information. For now, pray that the rest of our paperwork goes smooth and we are able to turn our dossier in by the end of the month!

Tracy, Jeff and Shahra

October 1

Hello!

It's been a while since we wrote. Life is busy and things are going well this month. Shahra turned two on Tuesday, September 11, and grandpa Paschke came to visit for the occasion. Shahra celebrated her birthday with grandpa and her friend Autumn. We made a cake for her birthday on Tuesday and Shahra had a SECOND cake for the party the following Saturday. Lots of cake and lots of sugar makes for one happy two-year-old.

Shahra is going to move to the two-year-old classroom at her daycare on October 1st. The room has a few more big kid toys but is pretty similar to her old classroom. We hope she enjoys her new teacher as much as she liked Ms. Shannon. Later this month, Tracy's parents are coming for a visit. Tracy's mom is quite excited since she hasn't seen the new place and misses her Shahra.

Tracy's work is going really well. She always hoped to have a job that was fulfilling and helped her feel she was doing good for the world. While she's enjoyed her other jobs, working at hospice is incredible. It is such a privilege to be with families in some of their most difficult moments. She finds herself looking at the clock thinking "It's already 3:00? Where did the day go?" Certainly, there are many challenges with the job. Tracy finds herself frustrated on occasion when families apparently have not been made aware until they enter hospice that their loved one will soon die. Perhaps it is a combination of denial on the part of the family and choices made by physicians not to share the "bad news" until the patient enters hospice. However, once the family has entered the program everyone at our facility works together to make the patient and family as comfortable as possible. Being part of a team like this is one of the biggest rewardsTracy has experienced.

Jeff is enjoying his work at Ball State as well. Ball State is one of the leading universities when it comes to the integration of technology and learning. The entire campus is wireless (even the sprawling lawns) and the instructors are encouraged to use media in the classroom. Jeff has been surprised by the freedom he feels in this environment. He is really energized by these new learning techniques and is constantly looking for new examples and teaching styles. There are ample opportunities for group collaboration and Jeff finds this helpful as well.

We hope you are all doing well this fall. We love to hear from all of you. We expect we'll have some new and exciting updates for you all in the next few weeks...stay tuned for more specific and less veiled info (email if you're curious, just not ready to post everything on our blog)

Happy fall!

Tracy, Jeff, and Shahra

Sept 1

Hello again! Wanted to post another update as we settle in to our new jobs. Shahra began daycare a week ago and is loving her time with new kids and new art projects. Perhaps you are aware that Jeff and I don't really do a lot with arts and crafts. Shahra has played with crayons and pictures, but has never before enjoyed activities such as "Pink Week" (all art projects involved the color pink), fingerpainting flowers, or "Fun with Foam" (this included playing with shaving foam and other fluffy, messy things). Jeff's schedule allows him to pick Shahra up earlier most days, so she isn't overwhelmed by her time in daycare.

Jeff began work two weeks ago and made some wonderful acquaintances. Right now, he is examining the history of the teaching of college composition t from 1960-present and reading Charles Dickens' David Copperfield. Jeff also took on the task as web master for his department's "Graduate Student Advisory Board," which advocates for student resources, including travel funds for conferences. He will update the GSAB website and keep things in good working order. Fall is a great time on a university campus, with excited freshman, new programs, and numerous activities. The only problem is that the freshman get younger every year and we keep getting older! This year's freshman class was born in 1989. For them, Russia has never been communist. Freshmen also don't remember a time without the internet or a personal computer in the home. Quite humbling if you think about it!

Tracy began work last week at St. Vincent Hospice in Indianapolis. Things are going well as she spent a lot of the week in orientation and learning about hospital policy. Her coworkers are great and are religiously diverse. The commute isn't too bad, especially compared to Twin Cities traffic!

Labor Day weekend was very relaxing. We toured Mounds State Park on Labor Day and hiked on a few local trails (I'll post pictures another time, just haven't uploaded them yet.) We also ventured into Indianapolis Sunday afternoon and did a bit of shopping. Shahra's 2nd birthday is next Tuesday, so we began the hunt for presents. Right now, Shahra enjoys her Elmo toys and new Elmo slippers from grandma and grandma.

That's about all for now. Hope this post finds you well.

We've arrived!

Hello again!

After a week of travel, followed by a week of unpacking, we are finally in our new home. We left Minneapolis Aug 5 and drove down to Nebraska to see friends and family. While there we stayed with Grandma Johannes and saw several friends and family.

This included visits with Jeff's aunt Carol and her daughter, Tracy's work friends Brian and Sarah, and college buddies Steph and Christi.

We stopped by Midland Lutheran College and took a family picture by the fountain. 5 years ago, We had wedding pictures taken at the same spot. It seemed appropriate to have a new one with the whole family.

We were surprised to run into our former professor Dr. Carlson, who gave us a tour of the new rock displays and talked of his recent travels. Shahra received a souvenir geode as well. Our trip then took us to Peoria, Illinois, and finally to Anderson.

Our new place is a townhouse style apartment. We like having the office upstairs and away from the main floor since it makes it easier to work. Shahra is adjusting well to her new room and hasn't had too many problems. We visited her daycare and all looks well. She'll start next Monday. Her latest adventures include learning to count to 8 (or so), singing "Twinkle Twinkle, Little Star" and the "ABC" song and saying "Barak Obama" (the story behind this: Tracy randomly said something about Barak and Shahra now says "Rocka Momma" and giggles while running around the house. We showed her his pic online and she giggled saying "yeah, Brock Omama" This is almost U-tube worthy :) )

Since we've been here, we also reconnected with several Muncie friends. It was wonderful to get back to our church, where we are surrounded by many supportive folks. Shahra has found a new friend, Autumn, and will certainly meet more of the the 2 year olds in the nursery group.

Tracy met her supervisor and toured the hospice on Friday. The coworkers seem very friendly and excited to have an additional chaplain. The hospice facility is about a half mile from the hospital and is amazing. In addition to serving 75 at home patients, the hospice is a 25 bed facility with a beautiful courtyard. Each private patient room has french doors with a small private patio which opens onto the courtyard. The walk ways are wide enough to wheel out beds so patients can view a lovely stream with lilly pads and waterfalls. Several swings and picnic areas dot the grounds and give families a private outdoor space. Inside there are two large sitting rooms, one with a giant fire place and dinning area for private meals. While having a family member in hospice is certainly a difficult event, the staff and facility seem to provide as much comfort as possible to all patients and family members.

On Friday evening, we met some of Jeff's coworkers at a barbeque in Munice. The group was very friendly, and while there are not any toddlers, they seemed to enjoy Shahra. Several of the ladies enjoy scrap booking, so Tracy hopes to find some people to scrap with. Jeff has enjoyed meeting his coworkers and thinks it should be a good year of teaching, research, and education.

Everything is going quite well, but we have to say we miss our Luther community. Tracy has generally found a shared community in our neighborhood, but it has been more difficult here. There are some younger children, but we have not met any of the parents in our community. I certainly miss the evenings outdoors with all the Luther folks, our impromptu BBQs and long visits. Shahra does ask about her buddies, but she has looked at pictures which seems to work for now.

I hope all of you are doing well as you finish up all your summer plans. Love to hear from you when you have a chance. We'll post some house pictures once the last few boxes are stacked away and our pictures are finally hung.