It's a creepy panda. The kind that stares at you, even though it's plastic. I don't trust the thing, it looks like it could come to life. And attack you in your sleep. Like a gremlin, from Hardee's book 3 (1986, remember it? we had to remove that book from our home). Yeah, i have a gremlin panda in my house, and i'm afraid i may have gotten it wet...and the darn thing messed with my clocks, so now no one is safe.(an apology for those who are not children of the 80s and don't know what gremlins are. And my apologies as well to those who think I've gone nuts and fear a plastic medical device....)
Things are going well on the home front. Last week Shahra and I had a "mommy party" and went shopping in Indy. I bought shoes, and we had lunch with friends. For the first time in over a month, I felt like things may one day feel normal again. We could just be mommy and daughter, shopping and eating lunch. Though it sounds small, it was such a hope fulled moment, because I really didn't know if things would feel normal again. It gave me hope.
Today, we had some more "normal" moments, and I appreciated them so much. (to back up for a moment) the first sign that something was wrong with Samuel involved speech, or the lack of it. As soon as we got home, I noticed that Samuel was making gutteral verbalizations and wasn't making any sounds from the front of his mouth. This is the opposite of normal speech development (thanks Prof T. and Linguistics 301). Babies should make sounds (like ma ma ma) using the front of their mouth first, then work their way to using other parts of their mouth to make sounds (like Geee, which he was doing).
Anyway, this was a sign of his problems. This week, we had a wonderful, happy, normal moment: Samuel started making "mama ma" "mba mba" and "ba ba" sounds, (using the front of his mouth). It feels SO good to hear him doing what he should.
We also had Dr. appointments today with the lung and stomach doctors--everything looks great. We'll follow up in 1-2 months. We've been told someday, in the not to distant future, this will all be over, and now I really believe it.
A word on grace and Christian love:
My congregation has shown all of us an amazing level of love and support during this time. For various reasons, I was really worried how people would be about Samuel's illness, my illness and the missed days of work. How would they REALLY react to the broken place we were in? Would they support us, or question my abilities?
The gestures of support, from meals, cards, gifts, and prayers have been humbling. I've talked before about the vulnerability and subsequent trust this experience has built for me, but here are some moments that showed me what grace really is:
When someone from the synod visits your child in the hospital and you're wearing monkey slippers and haven't showered in 2 days, humility hits you like a ton of bricks. When you're so sick you have to miss church (as the minister) and a couple drives 30 minutes to your messy, messy home with a meal 30 minutes after the service, you feel humility and love. There was no judgement about the mess, no anger about my inability to be at work, just concern for me and my family.
I asked the rhetorical question during my sermon: "some people may wonder where that light of hope has gone, because we don't see it, do we? My voice broke, and tears began to flow. You expect people will think you've lost it and can't do the job. After, I was greeted with 75 hugs and assurances "I'm praying for your family." I have experienced grace. It is in our most broken, uncontrolled, frightening times when we are finally forced to trust those around us, to allow them to do for us, and to experience the love they have to share.
I'll end for now. Thank you all for your love as we continue to return to "normal"
Tracy
1 comment:
I'm happy for your normal moments, especially Sam's speech. We keep him in our prayers at church, and I'm so glad to hear that he's getting stronger. Give Shahra a kiss from Manda and Gookook.
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